A Tale of 2 Tails

Not too long ago I was out with a gf when we came across a former flame of mine. That schmoe and I had recently been back in contact. Going on golf outings, talking concerts and even the possibly of taking a trip to the west coast. It was almost as if we were back on the trail of true love when all of a sudden came a sudden halt.

My friend and I walk in the bar and of course the first person I make eye contact with is the ex. Naturally, I approach to say hi because why wouldn’t I considering how much we’d been in contact lately and with a possible trip approaching it would be rude not to. He’s there with another friend and an older looking female.

You know that look a deer gives when it’s dead locked in a car’s oncoming headlights? The deer was the ex and I was the fast approaching car heading straight for him. I noticed it immediately…damn intuition is right every time whether I choose to ignore it or not. At this point I find some pleasure in this awkward scenario…why wouldn’t I? Always better to be the vehicle vs. the deer and not the other way around. So I introduce my friend to Schmoe. He inturn introduces the woman to my friend and then finally to me, the 95 mph sports car. Thrilled, thrilled would sum up the look on her face to meet me! “I’ve heard sooo much about you!!!!” she screams as she clings on to me as if we’re opposing ends of velcro. I’m facing the ex as she wraps her arms around my neck. I’m motionless, didn’t even budge as I’m looking him right in the eye and say outloud, “Why!?”

I can literally see the big gulp of air he just swallowed as it travels down his throat. She recoils her grasp looks at him and then back at me and at that point her intuition kicks in. She looks at me embarrassed as I walk away with my partner in crime. First response to my friend from me was “Really!? Because I haven’t heard a thing about you!” The response gave us a great laugh as I’m willing to bet my night from that moment on went a lot smoother than my former blast from the past’s.

10am. Day of Concert: Lindsay, can you get me tickets to the JayZ/Kanye Concert?

Lindsay: That concert is at American Airlines Center, not Cowboys Stadium.  And if I get tickets…Im going :)

(smiley faces in email make smart ass comments seem nice.)

This email came from a friend of a friend that I have had a flirtatious past with, but nothing serious. We proceed to email about how awesome this concert is going to be and whether or not he should buy tickets from StubHub.  I said of course.. its Jay and Ye, why not.  He bought floor seats. We went back and forth proceeding the flirting in the safest way…email.  Very witty and charming. wink face. 

Email #12: Crap… the date I was going to take tonight just cancelled on me. I hope this isnt out of line, but would you want to go to the concert with me? 

So, me and this guy have never hung out solo.  We’re comfortable enough to do it so that it wouldnt be super awkward, but never crossed that line.  I ponder….. and ponder…… and consult a girlfriend… and think why not? It’ll be a great concert, and at worst, theres a show in front of you to distract you if its terrible. HOVA-HOVA-HOVA. I’M IN. 

I agree to the date.  (Maybe I still have that “why not” attitude as aforementioned in previous posts) 

I say yes… we talk about how the show probably shoudnt start til 9 or so, so lets grab dinner. Super.  He’s cute, theres something there, plus I love first dates. #done. 

5 minutes later: email: Craaaaappp. Im so sorry but my original date just said she’s back in.  I feel so bad but I asked her first so I feel like I have to take her…

Me: …silence…

His Email:  Im so sorry, please let me make it up to you. 

Me: …silence…

My thoughts: #epicfail #KanyeJustInterruptedMySpeech #DidN*ggasInParisJustFineMe? #ballsohard….withoutme

Ball so hard muhfuckers wanna fine me…. guess this is my fine.  Pump fake! Tricked ya! Hope you have iTunes! 

On a side note… He did call.  He did apologize and felt REALLY bad.  (Dont lie, all of us would have done the same thing.)  I completely understood, but its a funny story.  So, I agreed to lunch… and it went really well, and theres a follow up #justsayin #notabadguy #poststofollow ;) (smileys make it better right?) 

In my younger years, I went through a phase of dating with the attitude of “why not”.  I would agree to dates that I knew had zero potential.  But practice makes perfect right? This might seem like a bad idea to some, but I saw it as opportunities to sharpen my skills.   I love first dates.  I love the awkwardness and the interview and the oh Im going to strategically grab your arm right now, flip back hair and laugh. (works every time btw)  I honestly believe it was because of these types of dates that make me so comfortable doing it now.  

So I met a guy through a mutual friend.  We texted (no one calls anymore, right?!) and got to know each other a little bit.  He seemed cool.. kinda my type… I knew he would at least be a good time.  So I agreed to finally meet him.  It was a weeknight and we decided to meet for drinks.  Simple. Non threatening. Ill-meet-you-there-so-I-can-leave-early-drinks. He knew what I did for a living (sports), where I went to school (TCU), the kind of things I like to do… etc. This was within the facebook era, so he definitely had a good grasp of my personality.   

When I first saw him, my initial thought was.. well, you definitely are NOT what the pictures looked like.  6’1? Try 5’11 maybe. (guys, dont lie. We’ll know.) Weird, didnt see that sleeve of tattoos in any of your pics.. must have been the angles.  

We met at a local pub that had live music.  We ordered drinks and sat in the back… still within eye shot of people incase this guy was an axe murderer.  Scene: Awkward conversation. Me looking at my watch thinking how long do I have to sit here so its not rude.   I finished my drink and set it on the bar.  As I set it down, the guy next to me looks up and says hello.  He asks how Im doing and strikes up a conversation.  I politely answer but dont want to be too rude to guy #1, so I finish it up and sit back down.  

Guy #1 gets up to put his drink at the bar and chats with guy #2.  Next thing I know my date is trying to fight guy #2.  Literally, for just talking to me.  Ummm what? Are you fucking serious.  Youre lucky I didnt tell you I was going to the bathroom and run for the freaking hills. 

So after I try to diffuse the situation a bit, he sits down.  His defense.. [Guy #2] called you a bitch.  Mmmm.. thats weird, because Im within earshot and he definitely did not.  I appreciate that you think this macho man Im gunna stick up for you might work for some of the silly broads you might go out with, but I am not impressed. 

SHOCKER! Shortly after, I needed to go home! Weird how that happens.  So we walk out and he says, Oh, come to my car, I have a present for you.  This is a first date, mind you.  He says “I think I know you and I think you are really going to like this.”  *doubtful*.

I walk to his car, against my better judgment.. and I shit you not, he pulls out a neon Budweiser beer sign from his car.  He says “Youre a cool girl, so I thought you might like this. Plus there were only 30 of these made ever, its worth some money.  I saw some on ebay.” 

….. dramatic pause …..

Ummmm… what about my job having, private school educating, makeup wearing, dress flowing, pottery barn subscribing, high heel stomping,  I dont drink beer out of a bottle drinking, dirt hating, high maintenance ass told you that a fucking beer sign would go with my decor?? 

But, with the class and gratitude that my Mother taught me, I politely said “Thank you! Are you sure you dont want to keep it?” 

Good thing at the time I had a 20 year brother in a college dorm.  Perfect re-gift. 

Lesson Learned: Go on the date for the experience…. or the story to tell after. 

So I agreed to go on a lunch date with who we will refer to as “Five On It”.  This was probably the second or third time we went out.  We went to a local Mexican restaurant for a casual lunch.  Great lunch, great chips and salsa, pretty good conversation and not many awkward silences.  There might be some potential here! Then the bill came.  Now let me clarify a few things…

1. Yes, I do think the boy should pay for at least the first few dates.  Thats the way it works. 

2. Yes, the girl should eventually reciprocate in some fashion.  Cook dinner, pick up another tab, show him some tricks, whatever.   

So he awkwardly flops open the bill holder in between us so that I can also take a gander. Thats weird, do you need to borrow my glasses.  The bill is about $25. Homeboy puts two $5s down and gets up to go to the bathroom.  Well, I guess thats that.  I picked up those Abe Lincolns and paid the tab.  Hence “Five On It” was dubbed.

Here’s the lesson gentlemen, if you so desire to be one, dont ask a girl to lunch if you cant pay for it.  Maybe cook lunch instead.  Go for ice cream. But for damn sure dont put 5 on it and go to the bathroom. 

I got five on it, 
Grab yo chips, cant afford no guac
I got five on it,
I got half this bill on lock
I got five on it, 
Whatchu mean you’re outta here
I got five on it,
Its okay, Ill just look at your rear
Holla